Dear Children's Media MakersBy Quinn OxleyAugust 9, 2017Dear children’s media makers, animators, writers, directors, producers, and parents of children who are growing up in this, the time with the potential for the most innovative entertainment in the history of the industry:

Stop.

Please. I’m begging you. Between The Emoji Movie, the Nut Job franchise, and the Despicable Me sequels and spinoff, the ratio of quality children’s entertainment to the sludge that builds up in sewer pipes is greatly in favor of the sewer sludge. I consider myself to be an avid acolyte of cinema and a morally upstanding person, so I can’t sit in my theater seat and let tomorrow’s content creators be influenced by these scripts projects which could have easily been produced by using the keyboard as a bidet.

I hear you, creators of Minions, fanning yourselves with your box office millions ($1.16 billion, to be precise) and laughing at my stand for artistic integrity. “Children’s media is some of the easiest money to make,” my straw man scoffs through the fluttering of his thousand-dollar-bills; “Start with a cute, innocent protagonist with a clear goal; keep the plot simple; and add some potty humor.”

Well, Mr. Straw Man, my all-time favorite non-Disney animated feature, The Iron Giant, has something to say on that.

While the film holds an 8/10 on the Internet Movie Database and an 8.5 on Metascore, Brad Bird’s The Iron Giant only needs to be seen to be appreciated for the gorgeous experience that it is. An interesting premise, real-live characters who are deep and interesting, a thought-provoking message, and a poignant conclusion. And all of the those things you listed.

The giant himself is a walking, talking, metal marshmallow. That is, until you cross him the wrong way, but the minions themselves have the potential to go berserk, like we see in Despicable Me 2. And this purity makes him adorable despite his… steely exterior. (Sorry.) His goal is very clear: elude the government’s capture, and find out why he was made. And in the process of achieving those goals, Bird even has the time to (classily!) slip in some potty humor. Your simple formula can work. It just needs a bit more depth - a bit more thought, and you can make something truly great.

“That’s all well and good,” laughs the Straw Man, “but The Iron Giant didn’t even make back its budget when it was released.”

Yeah… well… it’s a great movie. But I get it. Great movies don’t pay the bills if they don’t fill the seats. But Inside Out and The Incredibles have even better ratings on review aggregating sites, and they both well more than quadrupled their budgets. But you don’t want me to get into Disney/Pixar territory, do you, Minions makers?

It can’t be all about money, either. Let’s go back to Minions for a moment. Think about it this way: the next generation of entertainers is growing up with such gems to pay homage to as Minions - an obnoxious, unfunny, confusing tribute to the least charming players in the Despicable Me universe. This is what they’re going to fondly remember and want to honor with their work.

In a word: stop. Think. And then go. So, really, five words, I guess. Put the pieces in place that children like, then think about it a little more to give some weight to your creation. Invest in the future of your craft. Make the kind of media that you want your children to grow up and create. Okay, fine; fifty-three words. Just give them something of value to model.

Sincerely,
A concerned media consumer and aspiring content creator

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