REVIEW: The Emoji MovieBy Quinn OxleyJuly 29, 2017Every movie I’ve ever seen just got a little bit better.

I’m… almost without words. This movie doesn’t feel worth summarizing except to illustrate how ludicrous it was that it they made it.

Emojis are alive inside your phone, and they have to make their assigned expression constantly or risk compromising their user’s trust in the phone, which would lead to erasure. I didn’t name any characters because I didn’t care about any characters. Or anything that was going on. By the end, I was trying to recall some reasons to live.

It feels almost insulting to your intelligence to explain what’s wrong with this movie, so I’ll sum it up in one word: ev-er-y-thing.

There are five stages to watching The Emoji Movie.

Stage 1: denial.
You’ve somehow found yourself in a situation where you’re watching The Emoji Movie. Everything inside of you is rejecting this harrowing reality and, having convinced yourself that you’re actually about to see Baby Driver.

Stage 2: anger.
The movie has started and the truth becomes inescapable. Rage overtakes you and you begin to mumble profanities under your breath.

Stage 3: bargaining.
You realize that you paid money to see this disaster of monstrous proportions. You storm out to the ticket booth and demand your money back.

Stage 4: depression.
After unsuccessfully bartering with the theater employees, you slink back to your seat and glumly resume to movie. Your money is gone and soon, your hour and a half will be gone as well. You wait for the blackness to consume you.

Stage 5: repeat stages 2 and 4 until the movie is over or the projector bursts into flames.

Rating: 0/10

P.S. It really pisses me off that they dragged Steven Wright into this. He's good guy with a lot of talent. He doesn't deserve this. If you pull a body out of this car wreck, let it be Steven Wright's.

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