REVIEW: Valerian and the City of a Thousand PlanetsBy Quinn OxleyJuly 21, 2017I’m pretty sure the character profile videos on Rihanna’s part in this movie are longer than the screentime she has in this movie. It’s kind of hilarious, considering all the billing she got.
When Valerian(Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are something something, they have to something something… in some amount of time, before something ominous takes place.
We all knew the story was going to take a back seat to visuals in this summer popcorn flick. I guess I can’t rightly say I’m disappointed; this movie fell right into the Goldilocks range. My expectations were met. Not exceeded. Not underwhelmed.
The way I see it, Valerian had two options.
A) Allow us to get to know the gorgeous multitude of worlds it powers through.
It chose not to go this route. We get an aperitif of the incredibly diverse and visually mesmerizing universe these characters inhabit, but that’s all - some special effects shots. Now, don’t get me wrong, that’s by far this movie’s strong suit. The whole time you’re wondering what colors, sparkles, textures, or creatures could possibly be around the corner. But the visuals are as substantive as it gets. There are wildly creative ideas introduced and flirted with, but never developed into anything notably engaging. It pulls you in just enough to get you thinking about how much awesome potential it has, and then leaves you hanging.
B) Allow us to get to know the characters traversing this great unknown.
Spoiler alert: it chose not to go this route, either. And it really, really doesn’t. See, if you want to stun your audience with visions of a mysterious reality and let it keep its mystique, leaving out an intimate look at its inner workings is a totally acceptable approach. But you have to give the audience something to hold onto. Make the characters lovable. Likeable. Make them... knowable in anyway. Make the world that much more alien and enhance the camaraderie between your two leads. It’s them against whatever world the movie has dropped us in.
Instead, Valerian served up two of the most character-less characters in film history. No joke. I’m one of the sappiest people I know, and I couldn’t care less about what happened to Valerian or Laureline. And that would be fine - okay… it would be excusable - if the film spent more time on the world they were in and less time on their story. But at least an hour of the film’s runtime is devoted to one partner searching for and seeking to rescue the other with no bearing on the overall story arc. This movie is two hours and seventeen minutes long. Such little character development just feels… irresponsible.
If all you want is an acid trip, Valerian is a healthy alternative. But an actual acid trip would probably have more of an interesting story.
Rating: 4.5/10
P.S. SPOILER ALERT: Another note on Rihanna’s part in this movie. She’s apparently playing an illegal immigrant who performs to subsist and is held captive by her pimp. And yet, before she dies, she bequeaths to Valerian her entire kingdom. First of all, this is the first time she’s referred to as royalty. Second, why, why, why, WHY would you illegally immigrate to a squalid hellhole when you are royalty somewhere? The writing in this movie was abysmal.
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