REVIEW: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Before I say anything about this film, I have something I need to ask. I slept through most of Skyfall and Iâ€™ve still got No Country for Old Men waiting for me on my Netflix queue, so before Dead Men Tell No Tales, I had never seen Javier Bardem in anything. Is he even human? Who is this terrifying Spanish jaguar-man? Uwe Boll could direct a creature feature where the creature was just Bardem running around spouting poetry for two hours and it would be bone-chilling. He alone is worth the price of admission.

The plot boils down to this: a couple of parent-bereft prodigies (Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario) are looking for the Trident of Poseidon, and some ghost pirates are pretty upset with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp).

So, itâ€™s not amazing. Even as far as mindless summer summer action goes.

However, it does have a pretty strong start that gave me high hopes for the rest of the film. The first half or so of the second act is very entertaining - it might be ridiculous and brainless, but itâ€™s fun to have on while you're shoveling popcorn in your mouth. The effects used on the blinding Bardem and his ghastly crew are genuinely interesting and by far the best effects in the film.

Then, though, you get a bit of a preview halfway through the film of how wonky the CGI will be near the end of the film, and it really compromises the immersion. Some of the execution of certain story elements was also a bit cumbersome.

MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD. You have been warned.

Obviously Depp is his usual charming drunk. Thwaites is wasted as a character (who himself is and whose subplot is) too thinly written, and Scodelario goes back and forth between interesting and cookie-cutter. Bardem steals the show. He and Geoffrey Rush spend more than one scene together, but one in particular might convince viewers they were watching a much better film; the caliber of their acting is superb.

Is it good, though?

Mmmm. Eh. If you could salvage Bardemâ€™s villain and add better atmospheric CGI and a bit more tactful of a story, it would be great. As is, it's okay.

Rating: 6/10