REVIEW/RANT: A Series of Unfortunate Events (Netflix Series)By Quinn OxleyJanuary 19, 2017Moderate spoilers ahead.

I really, really, really wanted to like this series. After the first ten minutes of the first episode, I was near certain I was in for one of the most appalling screen experiences of my life, but the words of IMDb, Instagram, and Facebook users everywhere rang in my ears: “Best Netflix series ever.” “You must watch it.” “Reminded me why I loved the books.” Maybe it gets better, I thought. Hoped. Begged God with all my might.

It doesn’t get better.

“The best Netflix series ever?” Even a moderately entertaining series raises my eyebrow when it’s given such high praise. Have I fallen through a black hole and entered some universe where Stranger Things and Daredevil don’t exist? This, however, is semantics. Even if that opinion isn’t widely held (I’m not saying it isn’t; I just don’t know for sure), the series still has an 8.4/10 rating on IMDb, which is absurd.

I know I’m pretty much alone in my wildly negative opinion of the series. Why all the hate, you ask?

Well.

First of all, people are speaking so highly of this series largely because of its faithfulness to the books. People – not me, but people – were apparently disappointed with the film adaptation, and these same people are refreshed by how similar to Lemony Snicket’s written word the Netflix series is. However, the reason some things were changed – apart from time constraints – is because some things simply can’t be taken seriously on screen, especially if they’re executed poorly. Take, for example, the machine Violet uses to attempt to retrieve her sister from the hoisted cage. Her journey upward is ridiculously portrayed; the effects are pathetic. I understand the books were written for kids, so their plots are more fantastical than other Netflix series’ plots. I understand it’s a “family” show (more on that later), so there should be more of a tolerance for the unrealistic. But when arguing about the quality of the work, it’s hard to respect a production that’s so hammily done.

I don’t care what anyone says. There’s only one performance worth anything in this series, and that’s Patrick Warburton’s. (Admittedly, the framing of the story is actually fascinating; this is one element of the books that lends well to a unique adaptation. Warburton’s performance as Snicket aids in this framing technique.) It’s hard, though, to find good or even acceptable child actors, and it’s possible the casting directors just weren’t up to the task. I don’t think it’s unfair for me to say that both child actors are awful, and Tara Strong’s dubbed baby lines are very shoddily done. Neil Patrick Harris is acting for the back row – and I understand that his character is theatrical in nature, but his performance is so overblown that it’s distracting. Each guardian gives a kind of lackluster performance, save Alfre Woodard, though no performance could do justice to this writing.

Ah, yes. The writing. I hope you like being bludgeoned over the head with information. If you ever get confused, don’t worry! The characters will explain their every thought in the plainest English ever written. Did you forget what happened last episode? They’ll remind you – and they won’t show you; they’ll come right out and tell you. Not sure whether Count Olaf is the antagonist? Not a problem! They’ll make sure you don’t forget that he’s a terrible person who’ll do anything to get his hands on the children’s fortune. (Do the writers know any other word for a large sum of money than "fortune?") Uncertain about whether or not to feel sorry for the Baudelaire orphans? Fear not – they’ll make it known that they’re helpless and desperate. Again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

How was the end of that last paragraph? Irritating and needlessly repetitive? Now you know what it’s like to watch the show. There’s no grace. No tact. No subtlety. Inappropriate pacing. Some of the most ham-fisted dialogue I’ve ever heard. Like this excerpt from the first episode.

Violet: Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here. There’s no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf’s care, if we can even call it that.

Klaus: As soon as Count Olaf’s back is turned, we need to leave this house. I’d rather take my chances on the street than stay here any longer.

Violet: Who knows what would happen to us on the street? At least here we have a roof over our head.

Klaus: (sigh) I wish our parents’ money could be used now instead of when you come of age. Then we could buy a castle and live in it with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.

Like I said, it doesn't get any better. Take this scene from the third episode.

Monty: So let me understand this. You are my new assistant, sent to me even though I didn’t ask for one, by the Scientific Society Seeking to Soothe Stress and Suffering?

Olaf (in disguise as Stephano): Yes. “SSSSSS” for short.

Monty: “SSSSSS?”

Olaf: Mmm, no. It’s “SSSSSS.”

Monty: “SSSSSS.”

Olaf: No. Listen to… “SSSSSS.”

Monty: Ah, yeah, uh… “SSSSSS.”

There is literally a scene where the entire punchline is Aasif Mandvi and Neil Patrick Harris making the “s” sound back and forth at each other for thirty seconds. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, no, I can think of something else to call this scene, and that word, too, starts with “s.” If this tripe were in an Adam Sandler movie, he would be vilified for producing his namesake garbage.

Let’s not talk about how terrifyingly creepy it is when Count Olaf tries to marry Violet. Actually, considering that this series is technically listed as a “family” series on IMDb, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about how Melina Weissman is thirteen, but looks like she could be twelve, easily. Let’s talk about how it’s supposed to be creepy, sure, but the series WAY crosses the line and enters, like, freakish zones of creepy. Let’s talk about how Olaf looks down at her appreciatingly and coos, “You’re such a lovely girl,” and how, in defiance to Klaus, he puts his hand on Violet’s shoulder, caresses it, and mews, “I’ll touch anything I want.” Let’s talk about the nightmares and the chills and the EEEWWWWWWWWWWW.

Sure. It’s a family show.

I could go on, but this review has already long surpassed the usual length. In a nutshell, I was left hugely disappointed. But I’m the only one who seems to take this stance, so I suppose my opinion’s not worth much more than a pot of puttanesca when everyone else wants roast beef.

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